Emotions Experienced during my Bi-Polar Episodes with Flight of Ideas and Creativity while High

Scope of Paper

Ever wondered what it’s like to live with a mental health condition like bi-polar? Being sectioned and wondered how do you come back from this dark time? Experience the euphoric times associated with this condition and see first-hand the flight of creativity and some insane ideas. Having been hospitalised twice, Patrick travels on the road of recovery where he makes some personal discoveries about himself. A side condition during these episodes is that Patrick cannot lie to himself and makes numerous emotional breakthroughs. Some of these emotional experiences are for just for a few minutes but helps in discovering what really matters.  He can look back and understand why and where these emotions have occurred and why he must continue to get back on his feet. Thanks to a loving wife and a will not to be discouraged, he grows from strength to strength. 

Foreword

An operative who was once working for me in central London described what he understood about bi-polar individuals. He said “Bipolar people are like another species; they think in a unique way and act in a unique way. They have the ability to process information like a computer does, they are like human computers.” I laughed at that statement and hoped it’s true.

Introduction

Mental health is a hot topic now all around the world and thankfully it now gets the recognition for what it is and no longer being branded as being a minor or trivial condition. For men especially in the construction industry in the past, they would have been comments like “Just grow up and stop being silly” when men tried to speak up about this subject. Mental health at some point during a lifetime affects one in four adults and 1 in 10 children in the UK. For me I never knew very much about mental health until I was first sectioned on the 26th of October 2009, when I was working as a site manager in Middleton, Manchester. It was later confirmed that I had bi-polar.

Been Sectioned

I had been working for a Scottish company Barr Construction and I had been travelling around the UK working on building new supermarkets. I had joined the company Barr Construction as a junior site manager in 2006. Leading up to being hospitalised, I had been working 7 days a week with little or no sleep. At the time, I had no idea that I had the condition bi-polar, until after the doctors had seen me in Hospital. Looking back from the present, I have concluded that I had a rather unusual condition. In my manic episodes I get very high for an extremely long time (months and months on end) before I peak and then need medical assistance. On the night of the 25th of October 2009, I had stayed awake the whole night on my own in the company flat, while my Girlfriend Panchali (now wife) was asleep upstairs. I had been feeling euphoric for several months (cannot quite recall exactly how long but know it was for a long time) when I started to peak, I get psychotic delusional beliefs that somehow, I’m being watched and that I am the centre of a major conspiracy plot, where I am in the centre of it all. That my life has been planned out and get grandeur ideas that I can solve some of the world’s greatest problem, for example, at one time I thought that I would be able to solve the middle east conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. This idea has persisted with me for several years, but then I realised that it was a side effect of my bi-polar condition. I have attached the exact letter that I wrote to myself on this night, to give you an insight in the state of play my mind was in. I have left these types of documents that I wrote to show the full explosion of been in a manic stated. It’s hard to describe this moment, but when you see the writing, it may give you an insight to degree of creative thinking with delusional ideas.

Exact recap of the letter I wrote to myself on the night 25th of October 2009, just before being sectioned.

Who are you, a wee sonnet, silly little quotes, Poem, Song, Prayer, manuscript, parchment, that’s the question?

Where’s the fun gone in life?

Here’s the Question. The question is.

Are you Honest?

If the response is yes, then that’s the answer I needed to hear. Boom-Boom. Here goes:

You’re as honest as the day is long.

Mr Dempsey walks down to the local pub for the craic. That’s in my mind is the camel being broken. Lads, Lads, Stop the car lads!!!!!!- I’m going to be sick.............

Let’s cut through the bull:

People of earth reclaim your land. Stand up for your rights. If you have been aggrieved, then let it be known. The best form of revenge is embarrassment, please block off all fire escapes here. I get it! Boom-Boom. Saying sorry and meaning sorry are two different things. Overdraft fee, sorry whose coat is that jacket there. I’ll be there now in a minute. That’s a cracker.

The old sayings are the best sayings,

Blood is thicker than water.

What will be, will be and don’t count your chickens until they hatch.

A family that prays together stays together. Home is where the heart is.

No longer required to lock up your daughter, Boom-Boom! The road is always straight! She’s a local lassie.

If you watched “Star Wars”, X-Factor, and in “Friends”, and can remember Phoebe say when after Rachel and Ross got back together after watching the college ball on VCR say, “she’s his lobster”, you’ve got it. No flies on you, my friend. I got it! You’re now on the winning side.

Some people can be so cynical cant they. Give the man his place. Boom-Boom. Who said knowledge is powerful, the lights on? I got it.

To my primary school teacher that told me I was stupid, well done. Boom-Boom. Spell Dyslex (my way) but I suppose the spell check of Dyslexia will never happen. Computer says no. Think outside the box.

The light is on, and I am at home. Think about it! Mr Gore you’re the Man!

Like father like son. He’s a clever man. As honest as the day is long. The question is “Are you honest, answer is YES, I AM, because I said so. Cause I said so.

Why send a letter with the man is down the road, Boom-Boom (Shop man - planning my next assault as that the craic gets even better? Boom-Boom)

Let’s rebel. Feck it. No more mister nice guy.

Piers Morgan’s- Nice, good show last night. Now that’s what I am talking about. Those Welsh Valleys seems too good to be true, but YES, the views are lovely.

It’s dark out there; best take a lamp with you. Jesus, its freezing in the desert, Christ almighty what happened who’s to blame here.

Exam result in.

In lay man’s terms, how did you your one get on with the results: Just like it sounds!

Irish Political Results

FF -Fail

FG/Labour- TBC

English Political results

Gordon honest but dim.

Cameron best of a bad bunch

Liberal Democrats - must try harder.

BNP- No score

International studies

Australia the same as it’s always been. Boom-Boom. Good times to be had.

The truth hurts when it’s someone you know.

But there is a brighter future, the mist is rising, and I reckon it’s going to be a cracking day. And here to present the winning cup is the captain - Obama. A lot will change quite quickly. I see it coming now.

Big Man Boom-Boom!

Life’s about cycles, up and down, bull’s and bear’s and all that sort of things. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Real friends need to see each other face to face not through a phone line.

First class is it; you can pee around the back.

Assent of money is a good start.

Pub quiz- haven’t got a clue, we will have a pint anyway. Good Stuff. Pint of white stuff please!!! It’s nice to be nice.

Tommy down the back, are you taking notes.

Man, this movie is so serious. Let’s get out of here!!

There’s nothing but bad news on TV.

The real question to be asked is.

That’s funny, very difficult signs appear on the world.

The proof is in the pudding.

Warning-Flashing

RTE-Much improved. About time too, been asleep on the job I think!!

BBC- Vastly improved (the frost man himself, who else, Boom-Boom). Order, Order x 2, learned my lesson. Special mention for Daily Telegraph. Receipts to be sent to head office for approval. Well, done and about time. Money makes the world go round. Love your women’s mag. Think of the Romans they were British, Nick Boom-boom. Clever Clogs. Left, middle or right-handed people, I don’t mind either way, you can still write can you.

Fox news- Sorry computer says no. (Sent back to China as the sound is very dodgy). Boom-Boom.

Daily Mail for the fire, Boom-boom. Don’t go their brother/sister/mother/Father/Aunt, little brother, and small children and if you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all.

You think you have it bad, but you don’t! It’s only a house. Think about! No really. Think about.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, Boom-Boom!!

Think of the good time. Sorry how you are taking about their Ted.

Back home, I haven’t forgotten you, but to be fair you knew this was coming.

Peace out! And keep your chin up. Old with the old and in with the new I say.

Moving forward, next steps will be......................... watch this space.

Mr Simpson- your kid's fine. He’ll grow into a fine lad. Think about it!

Bye, bye.

P.S.

To my American friends, it’s been a while, but I am thinking of you, got it on my list of things to do but just been busy with other things. Catch you later though.

End of letter to myself- wrote on the 26th of October 2009.

Emotion of Embarrassment

In the morning after writing my letter to myself, Panchali came down to see how I was doing. She had been aware that I hadn’t come to bed and had texted me during the night to check in with me. We were both in the kitchen in the morning when Panchali asked me a question that she had never asked me before. She asked me “How many women I slept with”. I straight away told her the number of women I had sex with and instantly burst in to crying. I must have sobbed for 2 mins inconsolably and Panchali hugged me and said it was OKAY. This was my first emotional breakthrough. This was the emotion of embarrassment.

Emotion of Anger

After I had spent all night writing the letter to myself, laying out where I was going with my life and certain aspects of my character, I went for a drive to Tesco the next morning. It was a Sunday morning and I had set off to pick up a newspaper from my local Tesco, but I had forgotten that it was a Sunday, and in United Kingdom shops only open at 10am. So, I turned around and started my drive back to the flat. I could feel that I wasn’t well, as I started to well up with a euphoric episode.  As I stopped at a red traffic light, I noticed a police van had pulled up to me in the next lane. Suddenly I started waving at the police office in the passenger seat, then I proceeded to open my door and walked to the side footpath, I lay down and put my hands behind my back. I remember both police officers walking over and asking me what the matter was. I said “I’m not right. I need help”. With that they put hand cuffs on me (for obvious reasons) and placed me into the back of the police van. I sat and began to shout at the camera within the police van. I started to recall issues and memories that had lain dormant in my memories since being a child at primary school. I began to swear at my primary school teacher for making me out to be stupid and thick. I was a senior site manager of a 6 million project and had a master’s degree in civil engineering. I have dyslexia and felt that my primary school teacher had treated me as though I was unteachable. Suddenly I burst out crying and tears started to pour down my face. This was my second emotional breakthrough of the day, the emotion of anger.

The police van stopped, and the officers opened the back door to let me out. A nurse came out and asked me how I was doing? I said again “I’m not well”. I was taken inside to a room, where one of the police officers came with me. I kept saying “I only speak the truth; I don’t tell a lie”. I kept saying these words repeatedly. Then, a nurse came in and asked if she could take a blood sample which I agreed to. Within this room, there was a two-way mirror. I could just about make out a figure in the background. There was a bed, chair, and toilet. I kept saying to the police officer how I could solve all the problems that are present in the world as I do not lie. After what felt like an eternity (15 mins or so), the nurse who took my blood sample and 3 doctors came into the room and sat opposite me. The first doctor said “Patrick, what's wrong?” I replied by saying “I'm being watched”, “I'm being watched by them”. The doctor replied by saying “Who is watching you.” I started to get angry as I kept having to repeat my sentences to him. I then shouted at him repeatedly until the third doctor spoke and asked me to calm down. I remember saying to the first doctor “I’m finished with you, now I’m talking to the main man.” The third doctor said, “it’s going to be ok” and with that all three doctors and the nurse left the room. I could see them (doctors) through the screen making notes, but that did not bother me. I knew I needed help, and this was the way to achieve it. After a while Panchali was let into the room to see me. I had told the police officer previously the address of where I was staying in Manchester, and they had gone to the house and told her what had happened and where I was. Panchali said to me “Do you know what’s happening here, are you ok.” Considering that I had just gotten back with Panchali after we had being on a relationship break, I could see that she was emotionally concerned about my welfare and could not understand what had happened to me and why I was in a psychiatric hospital about to be sectioned. I hugged her and said it would be alright. At this point, I was sectioned and put into the hospital in South Manchester, where I stayed in for 4 weeks. I was on a plethora of medications which I had to take daily. When I went into hospital, I was about 15 stone and solidly built as I had loved my time going to the gym three times weekly.  When I left Hospital, I was about 21 stone and looked in an awful state. I had put on so much weight, that I struggled to tie my shoelaces when sitting on a chair. After I left the hospital, my sister arrived from Ireland and had driven me up to Edinburgh where I was living at the time. So, I was still taking my meds and trying to regain my sleep patterns. I lived in a shared apartment with other people, and I had a room with a shared kitchen/washroom and living room.

Emotion of Faith/, Religion

About 3 weeks after arriving from Edinburgh from Hospital, I found myself wanting to go to a catholic church. I had been a catholic all my life as that is what happens when you are brought up in Ireland. I remember walking down Lothian Road in Edinburgh on a mission to find a Catholic church. When I walked into St Marys Catholic Church at the top of Leith Way, it was the middle of the day and there was no service on at the time. The church was empty of people, and I was on my own. I remember walking to the left aisle and seeing the stations of the cross. If you do not know, there are the 14 images of Christ from carrying the cross initially, falling while carrying the cross, until the final crucifixion of Christ to final resting place image. As I started looking at the image in sequence and when I got to the image of Christ been Crucified, I welled up and burst into crying uncontrollably. This was my third emotional breakthrough. I remember running back to the flat in Edinburgh and phoning Panchali. I remember crying into the phone and telling Panchali that God and I had a connection, as If God had spoken with me. At the time I must have still been in a bit of a delusional state of mind, but at the time this was real to me. I remember Panchali saying, “That I wasn’t well and that I should contact the doctors again and ask for more medication.” I was telling her how God had reached out and touched me when I was looking at the picture of Christ on the cross. This was the emotion of Religion/Faith.

Getting Back to Work

After about 6 months off work, my doctor signed me off and advised that I could return to work. I was still on the same medication of Olanzapine and Depakote. Initially I worked out of the Livingstone office, where I was doing light duty work after speaking to HR. When I returned to work, I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I had let the team down and that how was I going to get my life back to the way it was previously. Mental health as we know has come a long way since then. Even drafting this paper now, there is a lot more awareness of mental health, the symptoms and even acknowledgement that a lot more needs to be done to remove the stigma around mental health. But for me, when I returned to work, I could not stop thinking of how I let my family down, my work colleagues and friends. The shame of it all I thought. But over time I learned to accept my bi-polar condition and realise it was a part of my personality. After a year of light duties, I was feeling surprisingly good about myself. My director then requested if I could work on a 3 million Highway and utilities diversions for a Tesco extra in Corby, England. I said yes and had the same role and responsibility and back to where I started prior to me been first sectioned. I was in a good place. I was able to tell workmates about all my experiences of my bi-polar and would engage with strangers what it was like having been sectioned and my life history. My psychiatrist informed me that I was able to come off the medication completely and return to a normal life.

Emotion of Fear

In 2013, I was working building another supermarket in Little Hampton in West Sussex. This time it was a Sainsbury’s. I was made-up to a senior site manager and was working on the fit-out element of the building. Things were going well, and I was enjoying life. I was off the meds, but towards the end of the project I began to realise that my euphoric phase was starting to develop again. I knew that I was in trouble. I was doing a site induction one morning with a group of new workers attending site. As I was telling them in the induction room where the toilets were, assembly points, some of the guys at the front of the table started to laugh. So, I stopped the talk and said, “Boys what’s funny.” A short stocky guy replied, “You’re talking so fast I can’t follow what you are staying”. Oh, shit I said to myself. I had been doing forced speech. This was a tell-tell sign that my bi-polar high phase was kicking back in again. Having realised what the guy had said, I tried my best to end the induction, with me consciously watching my speech, trying to slow down the words that were coming from my mouth.  I finished the day and went back to the company flat. I slept a little but was awake most of the night. As I was driving in to site the next morning, I began to think of me getting sick again and my bi-polar starting to develop all over again. I was thinking that I didn’t want to see a doctor again, didn’t want to start taking the medication again. I was back down to 14 stone and felt that I didn’t want to put on the weight again. All these thoughts started to weigh in on me as I was driving. Suddenly, I was overcome with emotion and burst out crying. I slowed down the car and came to a stop at the side of the road where I cried my eyes out for 2-3 minutes. This was my fourth emotion of being frightened about the return of my bi-polar, the emotion of fear. After I stopped crying, I continued my journey to work and said nothing of what happened to Panchali, my work colleagues or work mates. Just kept it all under wraps and hidden away. Too afraid to admit I needed help. I carried on for the project and managed to finish the job on time and within budget.

Emotion of Sadness

My next project was a Sainsbury again, this time in Sheffield England. The project started in spring 2014 and I had a hotel booked during the weekdays and come back to London where I was now living with Panchali. At this stage, I was now engaged to Panchali and life was again starting to look good for me. I was able to come back from the abyss and find my feet again. I was still a little euphoric but other than that I was feeling fine. Panchali and I had gone on an alcoholic filled weekend to Brighton as we were going to buy wedding rings for our up-and-coming wedding later in the year. I had a lot of alcohol that weekend and as the doctors will tell you, drinking alcohol and having bi-polar is not a good mix. On Sunday, Panchali and I left the hotel and drove back to London. On the journey back I knew I had major issues with my bi-polar. It was starting to flare up again and this time in a bad way. I said nothing to Panchali. After all, we had just bought our wedding rings and I did not want her to worry or call the doctors. I was in denial of these systemic problems that I was now facing. I got home on Sunday evening, had dinner out in a café and then I drove up to Sheffield. This was about a 3-and-a-half-hour journey on a Sunday night with little or no traffic. As I was driving, I was preforming an extreme method of concentration of driving. I was travelling at 60mph on the motorway to avoid speeding as my fear was of crashing into the road barrier. I managed to get to the car park next to the hotel in the centre of Sheffield. It took me ages to get the car booth open, get my clothes bag out, lock the car. These every day activity was being calculated out in my head as if every action had to be planned out and I had to put all my concentration into these little functions. When I got to the hotel, I was seen by the service desk assistant. I remember she asked me for my vehicle number plate. I replied saying “GN63” and then my mind went a blank. I could not remember the final digits. I got the room key and got the lift to my room level. I got into the room and sat myself down on a chair where the tea and coffee were and thinking to myself – “Man I’m in trouble”. Walked around the room and my psychosis episode started to kick in. I imagined that I was being watched again by government agents. I looked out of the hotel window and seen in the far distance another hotel, and a guy with all the lights on at this same level and him working on a white board. I believed that this man was purposely put there for me to see, and this was a sign that the world governments wanted me to see. The idea of being a Middle East peace ambassador. All these ideas started to run through my head again. The genie was out of the box and playing illogical thought in my head. I lay on the bed and called Panchali. It must have been around 1am in the morning. Again, I started to cry over the phone as soon as Panchali picked up. I started to tell her that I was sick again, and that I would have to quit my job at Barr Construction. I told her to take me home. The emotion of leaving my company was the emotion of Sadness. So then, without thinking, I started to trash my hotel room. I threw up the TV and bed linen and the furniture. Real rock and roll type of actions. I could see myself doing this, but unable to control my thoughts which lead me to conduct these actions.  I went to the hotel room door, looked out the peep hole, expecting to see an agent on the other side. There was none. On the back of the door was a fire plan for the hotel, and having been in the construction game, I had often done fire plan as it is a legal requirement that go with the site set-up. I opened the door and went into the hallway. Then I pushed the hotel fire alarm, and all the fire alarm bells went off at once. I ran down the fire escape, exited the hotel, and waited outside. About 15 mins later, a member of the hotel staff shouted false alarm and that all personnel could return to their rooms. Other Hotel guests and I walked back into the hotel. I was still in a state of euphoria. I said nothing about me setting off the fire alarm to the hotel staff. I went to reception and asked for my room key again as I had lost/forgotten what room I was in. I returned to my room and seen the destruction of the room I had done about ½ hour earlier. I sat on the bed and looked out the room window watching the sun rising. Panchali called me to see where I was and how was I doing? I said nothing about the state of the room. She said that she was getting the train up from London to Sheffield and would drive us down using my car. I went downstairs and had breakfast and waited for the arrival of Panchali.

Emotion of Sectarianism/Hatred

When she came, we went to the car park and picked up the car and left Sheffield. It was at this time that my mania went into overdrive. I was talking aloud and my emotions that I was feeling and the grand ideas in my head. About agents been around me and as we were driving, I could see them in the car ahead and next to us. I cannot remember the entire emotional breakthroughs, but I certainly had some on the drive down. I remember crying numerous times. When we were approaching the final stretch before getting to London, I remember seeing a car ahead with the badge GB. I was still talking aloud all this time. Panchali was concentrating on driving as she said afterwards that I was in a frenzy of states. But when I’d seen this GB plate, I said “Where I come from, GB means Great Bastard, but my best friend is English. I was thinking of my good friend Vinnie, who I had worked with for many years. As soon as the words came out, I broke down and cried uncontrollable. This was the emotion of sectarianism/hatred been broken. Another milestone. Got back home, and Panchali contacted the Mental Health Team regarding my condition right away. They said could I attend the hospital in Panchali’s car or did I want an ambulance. Panchali said that she could drive and off we went to see the doctors. When I got there, I was still hallucinating, but just about in control. I walked into a room with two doctors and explained that while I was euphoric, I was still fine to function. The doctors agreed and I returned home. Not sure how I pulled that off and I should have been sectioned right there and then. I obviously did not mention to the doctors about trashing the hotel room or setting off the fire alarm. I realised after I should have but that was back then and too afraid to get help that was badly needed. A few days later, I sent an email to Barr Construction to tell them that I was resigning from my role with immediate effect. This did not go down well with Panchali, and I did it spontaneously and told her that I wasn’t going to retract it and that I was better off leaving this role. The world was at my begging, and I could do whatever I wanted, and nothing was impossible to achieve, so long as you put your mind to it. Another state of delusion.

Emotion of Love for my Wife

I was back on the meds now and started to book in home visits from the mental health team. They would come initially every day, and then every second day and as time moved on the gaps would get wider and wider. They would come around 11am in the morning and stay for about a 45 mins time slot. We would talk about how I was feeling and had I any irrational thoughts or ideas. As the meds worked, I began to reap the rewards of being able to control my bi-polar episode. I started to write down ideas and thoughts, first on paper again and then on a word doc. I remember thinking of Panchali one morning and writing the idea that a marriage is a contract is which love is the principal idea. When the nurse came that morning, I welcomed him into the living room and sat opposite him on the second couch. His first question was “How was I doing?” I started to talk, but my eyes started to drift off from where he sat, and I saw an image of the religion of Jain on the wall. My wife was of Indian descent and was born and raised in Nairobi, Kenya. She had come here to study children’s physio in Wales and had since found work in the NHS, where she still works to this day. When I locked eyes on the Jain symbol (Indian religion) I thought of Panchali. Instantly, I burst in to crying when this was the strongest emotion of all (period). I must have cried for at least 5 mins and at the end I kept apologising to the nurse over what had happened. This was the emotion of Love. The nurse left and I continued my day resting at home. After a couple of months, the nurses stopped visiting the house and I just had to see the psychiatrist every couple of months at his surgery.  As I was now unemployed, I stayed at home and slept on the couch. I tried to get exercise and went to my local gym. On the very first occasion I went, I used the rowing machine. After about 3 mins of rowing, I started to sweat profusely and my whole head was in a pool of sweat. I stopped and went home. I thought to myself that was a bit odd as I had done rowing a lot in the past and was still a young man. Decided that I was not ready for the gym just yet. About 6 months later I was able to secure a new role with a firm called Thomas Sinden based out of Romford, Northeast London. I only lasted 3 months. Still not able to function correctly the pressure came back, and I was afraid of getting sick again. I left on good terms, but the role was not for me, or I was unable to conduct the functions of a site manager. I again was back unemployed again and lying on the couch unable to face work. For some reason, my bi-polar started to creep back into my life. It never left me, from the time in that Sheffield Hotel. I now think I should have gone back into Hospital at that time. 

Emotion of Love for my Dad and Emotion of God Divine Power

It’s now May 2014 and Panchali is at work. She knows that something is wrong and is starting to get concerned again. My Bi-polar is back vigorously. On the morning of the 26th of May, Panchali phones Ireland and speaks to Mum about her concerns. I walk into the bedroom and Panchali is on the phone. I asked Panchali for the phone so I can speak. She hands me the phone and it was mum on the other side. I say “Mum, Can I speak to Dad,” “Of course Son” and Dad talks. “How are you keeping son, is everything alright”. I respond by saying “Dad – I love you.” I burst out crying and must leave the bedroom when I continue crying. Another emotional experience of Love. Panchali speaks to the Mental Health Team and asks can they see me. I have a time slot to see them at 10:30am. Panchali leaves for work, and I wait in the sitting room. I suddenly have an idea to watch DVD’s that I have in the TV stand. The first film I watch is the Matrix 1. I must have seen this 20 times and is one of my favourites.  I get to the end of the movie, and there is a scene in which Morpheus (a fictional character in the film) says a line “He’s the one.” I instantly burst into crying for several minutes. I have since tried to categorize what emotion that was, but unable to put my finger on it. All I know is that it is the emotion of believing that I had some Gods divine power about myself. That I have a God status like emotion linked to my delusion of being the special one (a Middle East ambassador). The next movie is Indiana Jones, and the Crystal Skull. I have lost all control and am in the middle of my bi-polar event. I fast forward, and see Jones, put a fridge over himself, when a nuclear bomb goes off in the story. I copy and go out of the house and into our garden. I open our shed where our freezer is. Pick it up (it's heavy and throw out the shed door and into the grassed garden). I stand it up and with a hammer I smash the shelves out and chuck the plastic trays out (all containing food items) and proceed to lay it down and I go under. I am expecting a knock on the door from the agents, but this never happens. I wait 2 mins before lifting the freezer and head to the clinic for my appointment. I leave the house and start walking to the surgery. I wait in the reception room and am then called in. The doctors I recognise as they are the same ones that had been visiting me at home. There are this time three doctors, spread out within the room. One on my left, one on my far left, and one opposite me. I am in a state of panic. The main doctor says “Patrick, your wife has called and is concerned about you. Can you tell me what is going on? What are you feeling?” I blag it and convince them that all is fine and that I am in complete control. I leave the surgery, having realised that I could have been sectioned again. On my way back, I pick up a sandwich from Gregg’s and make my way home. As I walk down the final street from my house, I see a house on which some renovation is been conducted. I know this because I have seen the work men in and out for a while. There are newspaper clippings on the windows on the ground floor which restrict the views into the house. I stop and have a read. In my head all the news clippings are about terrorism, wars, and conflicts. A light comes on in my head. This is another agent house and another test to overcome, without thinking; I have decided I need to get into this house by any means. I step back and start kicking the front door in. After about 10 mins, I smash the door at the bottom in, and this allows me to get into the premise. I walk upstairs and turn on the water taps and do the same in the kitchen. I break open the back door and walk out of it to the garden. The next-door neighbour to this property has heard all the commotion and is calling the police. I sit down on an outside chair and phone the police myself. I tell them had I have broken into a property and need arresting. I start eating my sandwich and wait for them to arrive. Then the police come through the back garden gate. I am arrested and taken to a local police cell.

Emotion of Betrayal/, Emotion of Convincing Myself of Being Sick (Self-Truth)

I am in the prison cell, with a security camera in the corner and a mat on a concrete platform for sitting down arrangements and a toilet. I am all by myself in the cell. I go into a full rant and full-blown episode.  I do not know how long I was exactly in the prison cell, but I do know one thing. It was bright when I went in as there was a small window, and it went dark and then light again. To me, I must have been in there for at least 24 hours or more. I do not stop talking until the very end. I had to ask for cups of water continuously because my mouth was so dry for my force speech. I am talking about family, works, ideas of how the universe works, solving maths equations etc. I start talking about my primary School and one of my classmates. I went to a small rural school and there were only four others in my year. I remember saying how one had betrayed me and was a liar. I was shouting at the camera and when I finally said aloud “You betrayed me”, I burst out crying, and an emotion of betrayal is broken. I had not thought of this boy in years, yet here I was. After I begin to calm down and speak more rationally, I ask the police by pressing the telecom button if I can come out. I sit down on the bench and about 15 mins later the door opened, and I can leave the cell. When I walk out, I was surrounded, by police officers and doctors all in a line. I start shaking their hands as I am still in a euphoric mood. I get to the last doctor. He has a beard and is a bit taller than me. This doctor grabs me and says” Patrick- do you have bi-polar?” I respond by saying “Yes” and again burst out crying. The emotion of believing that I was not sick, subconsciously was now resolved. I had always been sick with bi-polar, and I did need help. The emotion of self-truth had been broken. I’m then transported to a local psychiatric hospital in North London where I stay for 2 weeks. This will be my second time having been sectioned. My wife visits me and drops off clothes and the likes every so often. What a way to start a married life in a few months’ time. I get out of hospital and Panchali picks me up and we head home. Again, the nurse visits me daily and I am back to square one. But this time, I am better within myself. Sound strange, when I have just been released but I am feeling pretty good about myself and have no real cares in the world. I was still delusional, but I know everything was going to be okay now that I have the right help. After a while at home, I again put my thoughts on paper.

Exactly on the 23/06/2014 I begin to write down my ideas on word document again, which I have attached below. The following extract is from this date.

Name:  Patrick Regan

Address:

Date Of Birth:

Email address:

Health:   Non-smoker

Full clean driving Licence

              Bi-polar disorder

To whom it Concerns,

Reference: Global Peace Ambassador

I am writing regarding fulfilling my lifelong dream to become a Global Peace Ambassador. Currently I am working as a Civil Engineer/Site Manager in the construction industry. But this is not my true calling. My real destiny is to bring peace to the Middle East and bring an end to the war. I have discovered several human anomalies that I have only found when I peaked with my mental health condition - bi-polar. I will share these as I write my life story. Firstly, some background information about me. I am the youngest of six, born in a typical Irish farming family in a-small community in Southwest of Ireland. Life was simple and while we were not wealthy, I did have a loving family. Religion was important to me in my upbringing, and I would go almost every Sunday to church. Throughout my life, different people have affected me for good or bad causes and have made me into the person that stands before you today whether it be family, friends, and co-workers etc. I have what I believe as having exceptional moral character. Moral Characteristics to me are as follows:

• Empathy, - the ability to share another person’s feeling as if it were their own.

• Courage, the quality to stand up for the right side of justice and fights for it-no matter what.

• Fortitude, - someone who is in pain or danger but does not complain and remains brave and calm.

• Honest, - as the day is long, I am truthful always or at least based on the given information to make my personal decisions.

• Loyalty, - a person remains firm in their friendship or support for someone or something.

• Virtue, - is the thinking and doing what is always right and avoiding what is wrong.

• The decision to choose good over evil in every decision I make in my daily life.

Being a Civil Engineer:

A Civil Engineering is the planning, design and construction of roads, bridges, harbours, public buildings and water systems across the world that are needed for civilization. A civilization is a human society with its own social organization and culture which makes its different from other species on this planet.  An engineer aims to create an orderly and just society so us humans’ mankind can have all the home comforts at our fingertips. Originally, I was signed up to become a member of the Institution of Civil Engineers (ICE) at a previous employer. Civil engineers work in a logical manner to come up with a set of drawings/information which considers best modern construction practices/value engineering out risk elements and come up with a final solution to whatever our client requires. Within the ICE accord, there is a set of attributes/hallmarks which set out boundaries which all civil engineering will adhere to. These attributes are as follows:

• Have a sound knowledge and understanding of engineering.

• All members shall discharge their professional duties with integrity.

• Technical and practical applications of engineering

• All members shall undertake work that they are competent to do.

• Management and leadership

• All members shall give respect regards for the public interest, particularly in relation of matter of Health & Safety, and in relation to the well-being of future generations.

• Independent judgement and responsibilities

• All members shall develop shall show due regards for the environment and for the sustainable management of natural resources.

• Commercial ability

• All members shall develop their professional knowledge, skills, and competence on continuing basis and shall give reasonable assistance to future and educational, training and shall give all reasonable assistance to future training and continuous professional development of others.

• Notify the institute of any breach or the rules of Professional Conduct by another member.

• Sustainable development

• Interpersonal skills and communication

• Professional commitment

I am proud to say that I possess the above and use my judgement in all sorts of activities during inside and outside working environment including, personal time.

Bi-polar disorder-

According to Wikipedia- it’s a mood statement characterized by persistent disinhibition and pervasive elevation (euphoric). Many who are bi-polar are extremely energetic, talkative, and confident. They may have a flight of ideas and feel creative. For me the above statement is so true. I feel on top of the world and I’m going to tell everyone my ideas and thoughts and see if any hold up.

1. The brain is a muscle and not an organ (not being a medical professional I will let others decide on this)

2. That writing things down is a way of putting an imprint onto the brain and thus becoming a file in the brain. Writing down core beliefs is stating a contract of what kind of character you are going to be as you will always be true in your beliefs.

3. The opposite is the same for when you are reading. Again, when you read something, a file is opened in the brain; it is stored in there until you feel the need to delete this file. Almost like a computer.

4. Habits/Good behaviour can be taught but only if the brain accepts the data input.

5. Education/Continuous Professional Development training; the brain has limitless capacity to absorb information. “Every day is a school day”.

6. Old sayings are the best ones, because mankind has not changed over time since we came down from the trees and stood on two legs, we just think we have!

7. We are born to die, so let’s make the most of life as best we can.

8. Mankind dates to the elevation of the monkeys, there will be a missing link, as we probably killed them off as they were in competition for food with us.

9. Life is a simple mathematic equation with a variety of variants, too many to list here. But this is true as I say, so as I’m telling the truth.

10. We need to balance the world equation as now it’s out of kilt and eventually will lead to us killing off generations that aren’t born yet due to our ignorance/greed and belief that somehow God will safe us. This is a lie.

11. Family is the main contract that we start off with. Marriage or similar arrangements, then children are the by-product of this arrangement.

12. We follow the herd mentality so easily. This again shown the idea of money men and working together in hunting/gathering of food.

13. Money is not what makes the world go round. It’s deals and trading with one another, which makes the world go around. Money is a means to an end (Death)

14. I can read human emotions very well. Happy, Excitement, been scared, been anger and sad etc.

15. I have people skills in abundance.

16. Core values don’t change.

17. Life/work balance is very important.

18. We think that we are clever, but only as clever as the weakest link.

19. No, i in Teamwork

20. For me the religious commandment “Blessed are the peace makers, for they will inherit the earth,” summarises me up the best.

21. I’m as honest as the day is long.

Contracts, are the written agreement, especially one connected with the sale of something or the carrying out of a job? Two parties or more with trade/sales objective for a fixed price. A Bible/Quran is a written contract which offers everlasting life after death if the person signed up and abides by their part of the agreement. See Terms & Conditions. Think about it. Letter of Intent/almost a full contract (Anywhere between 0 to 99%) but takes the form of oral communications. This can be a contract (both parties shake hands) over the deal, but with modern society/complexity, we tend to shy away from this form of contract. It’s best if it is written down as two individuals may have a different idea what one is paying for the product and the scope of works/produce one’s buying.

Going Forward:

A start made, but lots to do.

God bless and peace out.

Patrick Regan

23/06/2014

End of word document, notes, written by me on the given date.

Emotion of Empathy

In May 2015, I was at home in London with Panchali watching TV at night. Panchali and I were on the sofa with our duvet, wrapped up snug and warm in the living room. There was a documentary on Channel 4 called “The stranger on the bridge.” It’s about a man called Jonny Benjamin who was on a search to find “Mike”, a man who talked him out of jumping off Waterloo Bridge in 2008. Jonny was a person who had just discovered for the first time from his psychiatrist that he had schizophrenia. A long-term mental health condition where you may see, hear, or believe things which are not real. Jonny after discovering his condition decided that he would go to London Waterloo Bridge to commit suicide as he believed that he had lost all hope. Jonny wanted to find Mike to thank him for saving his life and just to give “Mike” a hug. I was I was fascinated by it and completely enthralled by the whole episode. Seeing a man was suffering from a mental health condition, I could really relate to it. In the end, there is a scene in which Jonny meets “Mike” for the first time, and Jonny breaks down crying with emotion. At this exact moment, I break down crying myself and must pull up the duvet to hide my face from Panchali, such was the emotions I was feeling. I stopped crying and continue watching the documentary until the end. What an amazing programme and one to watch. I would highly recommend it.

Past/, Future/, Delusional Emotions

In February 2016, I again started work and was back on track when I started work with Uplands Retail based in Bristol. I proceed to collaborate with them as a site manager for 2 years and then switched to another company called Simons, based in Lincoln. When I was with Simons, I was working on a refurbishment in Ilford, central London. I was working nights looking after a variety of trades such as electricians, plumbers, carpenters, painters etc. I had been on the project for several weeks and was working fine and in control and seen to have no issues. I remember one night when I was watching on my computer the congressional elections result in America. This was in November 2018. I have connections with America. I spent a year at University of New Hampshire when I was studying my master’s degree in civil engineering. I remember the results coming in and the battle between Democrats and Republicans were in full swing. Without warning, I began to swing into full euphoric mood and was overcome with excitement within hours. I could not believe it. My emotions were in full kilt. It was the start of a month’s long of feeling high and having creative thinking. Panchali was in Nairobi as by now we were married and had our second child. She was on parental leave and had decided to take my oldest boy and our new baby to spend quality time with her mum and sister and other family members. I was due to travel out for 2 weeks over the Christmas break and then we would all return together to the UK. I was still feeling high when I was on the flight from London to Nairobi, but just about in control. The flight from London to Nairobi is about 8 hours long and I had a stopover in Paris. Unfortunately, my connection flight was cancelled, and my meds were in the main luggage. I continued to get higher and higher. About a day later than planned, the flight left Paris for Kenya. I was on the plane and an American was seated next to me and the other window seat was empty. I turned to him and told him my life story without any encouragement. Talking all about my bi-polar episodes and my life story. The American was exceedingly kind, and we talked the rest of the flight. I recapped with him all the times that I had broken down crying with my emotions. When I was recapping my stories, my voice would quiver and I would tell him “You can tell from my voice, this is very personal for me.” I was grateful to him for listening and him giving advice. When I landed at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, I said goodbye to my friend and went on my way. It was about midnight when we landed. I passed through immigration and made my way out to the taxi section. Panchali had organised a taxi for me to get me to her mum’s place in Nairobi. In the taxi there, I was still swelling up with emotions and I broke down crying, not once but 3 separate times in the space of 10 mins. The taxi driver was asking if all was alright, and did I want to stop the car. I said “No, please drive on.” The first crying was since I had spent the last 8 hours on the plane recapping all my emotional break throughs; The Recoil of all past emotion’s breakthrough. The second crying was relating to a future emotion which had not happened yet. I had an image of me meeting the US President Donald Trump and telling him of all my ideas.  That we would work together and solve all the world problems. The third time I cried, I thought Panchali was an agent and that when I got to the house, I would have a welcoming party and that all the agents would be there and would congratulate me on a job well done of cracking all the various emotions. Delusional Emotion Of course, this was all fantasy in my head. When I did get to Panchali’s mum’s place, I was welcomed by Panchali and realised all these emotions were false and in my head. I went into the house and Panchali paid the taxi driver, I took my medication and went to bed.  We had planned to travel to the coast and stay at a villa for 10 days. The next morning, I was feeling better and met up with Panchali’s family for breakfast before we had to get a flight to the Kenya coast. The rest of the trip was good and returned to the UK as planned.

Flight of Ideas and Creativity During High/, Euphoric Phases

One of the many side effects of having bi-polar is flight of ideas/creativity. This is where I have had a stream of ideas and thinking which is not of normal behaviour. These following sections covers these erratic thoughts. For some bizarre reason, I tend to focus on how many emotions there are, decision making process, the brain, interactions within the brain and religious concepts. I also have had grandiose ideas of myself being a person who can solve almost all and every major problem’s there are in the world.  I have included all these inserts to show how I was not of sound mind and my thinking was not of normal protocol. For the avoidance of doubt, I am NOT a doctor/, psychologist or trained in any medical professional post. I have little or no education in physics or chemistry and am not a preacher. I am simply a construction worker.

How Many Emotions Are There? (This is the start of my flight of ideas/creativity)

From my life story, you can see that I have experienced different emotions through my bi-polar episodes. On a normal day (without having the effects of my bi-polar) I am stable and have what I consider to be a normal life. When I researched on the internet to see how many emotions exits a wide range of information is given, each with a different account. Some believe for example there are 6 primary emotions; others range from 12 to 27 different ones.

The emotions I have experienced to recap are as follows:

• Embarrassment

• Anger

• Faith/, Religion

• Fear

• Sadness

• Sectarianism/, Hatred

• Love multiply by 2.

• God Divine Power

• Betrayal

• Self-Truth

• Empathy

• Past emotions

• Future emotions

• Delusional emotions

For me, my experiences differ from the one that I was trying to research on-line. They are obvious ones that match my list; Embarrassment, anger, fear, sadness, hatred, but for others they were not on any list. Faith or Love or believing in being the special one/, God define power were not found. I have therefore concluded that in fact there are an infinite (∞) number of emotions. This is indeed a new way of looking at the possibility of the number of emotions that a person will have at any given time. We all know what infinite entails, but have you really understood what I have said. If you put 100 monkeys in a room with a typewriter, eventually, they will all write the English dictionary in its full entirety. When I have cried during my emotional breakthroughs, they all felt the same. No difference from one breakthrough to the next. Though, the strongest ones for me were love for my wife and my dad and faith/, religion been third. To me emotions and feelings are the same. No difference. I except that there are primary and secondary emotions and even tertiary emotions/, feelings etc, but there are infinite emotions and feeling and all can be viewed under the same umbrella. So, all feelings are simply another name for emotions which and are found in the infinite spectrum within the human species. Everything that happens in you day to day activity is a result of an infinite number of emotion/, feelings playing out in your head. Even bodily feelings/, functions like hunger/, tiredness etc are also an emotion/, feeling.

Emotions Lead to Decisions Making Process

Decision making process is seen in psychology to be done by the cognitive thinking process. I have looked at this and seen a glaring error in this reasoning. If there are an infinite number of emotions/feelings within a person, then there can be an infinite number of decisions which can be made at any given time. Emotions can be conscious or unconscious. Some of my emotional breakthroughs, I was not even aware that I had these feelings. Everything and every situation you can see is an emotion decision taking place. Perceived knowledge is an emotion because it is a belief like faith and religion. At one time, people thought the world was flat, and they thought that sailing boats would fall off the face of the earth if they sailed out too far from land. The world is round, and this planet is not at the centre of the universe as was also believed not so long ago. Emotions/, Feelings help with your decision-making process, deciding what faith you believe in, to problem solving, perceived knowledge, Intelligence, sexual orientation, political following, money decisions, the list goes on. All decisions are based upon emotions, emotions, and more emotions. Emotions are evolutionary and new emotions will be added (e.g., empathy & faith) while other emotions will drop out as man continues its journey forward.

Water and the Brain

We can last without food for about 3 weeks but can only survive for about 3 days without water. Without water human life as we know it does not survive. Roughly, about 70% of the brain is made up of water. We should all remember the fire Triangle from one’s school days.  I have been thinking of this for an exceptionally long time, and an idea came into my head. What if we are looking at this simple idea for mechanics of a fire in a wrong way and assumed that it cannot occur within the human brain. I believe that we have separated the science branches too far apart and retrospectively, there needs to be more of an overlap. That is chemistry, biology and physics should be viewed as one in relations the human body (especially when viewing how the function of the brain works).

The fire triangle can be shown in the following way:  Oxygen + heat + fuel = fire

What is Water? – Hydrogen multiply by 2 + Oxygen multiply by 1

Fuel been the Hydrogen.

Oxygen as given.

Heat is the electric sparks caused by the neurons in the brain. This chemical reaction between water and the neurons gives the brain and therefore the human body the necessary power to be able to carry out your daily and necessary body functions. This fire triangle idea can be transferred to any given situation within any species. Just because we were taught that water is used to put out a burning fire, this does not mean that it cannot create a fire within the human body/mind. So, water is not just used for hydration, it is also used to provide the energy for the brain. 

Salt and the Brain

So, I read an interesting article in the i newspaper. It was referencing to a study that was conducted by Which? research in 2020. I have attached the link below.

Soluble painkillers can contain as much salt as 21 bags of Walkers crisps (inews.co.uk)

It said that some over the counter painkillers when the maximum dosage is used, can be the same salt content as 21 bags of crisps. And it was not just painkiller, but also the likes of paracetamol and cold and flu treatments. A packet of Walkers Salt crisps contains about 0.46 grams of salt. If you were to take the full allowable dose of 8 Panadol extra soluble pills that would result in a 9.6 grams of Salt equal to 21 bags of crisps, which is well above the NHS guidelines of a daily adult intake of 6 grams. So does salt help cure headaches. The chemical composition of table salt is Sodium (Na) and Chlorine (Cl) or put simply NaCl. Does sodium chloride cause a chemical reaction within the brain that helps the nerves in the brain overcome the distress signals? When you have been out clubbing and drinking the night away, the next morning you might not feel great and be suffering from a hangover. The traditional way to cure a hangover, was first to head down to the local café and have a full English breakfast. This usually consists of toast, eggs, bacon, sausages, and beans. And a pot of tea with lots of sugar, for me anyway. If you check on-line, the salt content of this breakfast is about 4.5 grams. People swear that after this fry up, they hangover feels much better and can function better when their headache eases. There are so much everyday food products that have high salt content. These range from ready meals, bread, cheese, pizzas etc. Is this salt helping the brain in lowering the brain functioning systems energy requirements and thereby lowering the usual brain power needs. The doctors tell us that too much salt is bad for you. High salt diet usually leads raised blood pressure, which can be dangerous. Effectively the brain subconsciously tells us (through our taste buds/, decision making process) that it likes these products which contain a high level of salt because it lowers the brain energy requirements. Man has been evolving for tens of thousands of years and this cave dweller is still within us. Just because we have had the industrial revolution, we still have the same need and wants of early man – to survive and the brain is still thinking of how to increase the food intake for the time when there would be little or no food available.  Therefore, we love salt and sugar (which I will cover too later) in out foods. These things are not for taste, the brain muscle memorises the chemical compound and demand them as it views them as an easy fix to its survival instincts. I.e., try to intake as much high fat/sugar/salt to help the cave man live to the next day. Obviously in the western world now a days, hunting woolly mammoths is a long by-gone days, but tell that to the brain. The brain is still living in the past and is not changing any time soon.

Sugar and the Brain

Sugar provides a fast and rapid energy boost to the human brain. It gives power, the like the brain seeking out salt to lower the energy requirements for a functioning brain. As I said previously the brain with its muscle memory seeks out sugar as it can be rapidly dissolved and is high energy. I have noticed a common theme with sugar and water.

The formula for table sugar = C multiply 12 + H multiply 22 + O multiply 11

Where, C = Carbon, again H is hydrogen and O is oxygen

Ironically, the ratio of Hydrogen to Oxygen is 2:1 like the water formula. This would indicate that when sugar is digested into the body and has the chemical reaction with the neurons in the brain, it is simply 22 times the strength of water. Sugar leads to the pleasure part of the brain lighting up. Think of all the food and drink products that contain elevated levels of sugar. I bet when you think of a product in your head that contains sugar, a part of you just asked yourself if there is any in the kitchen fridge. No doubt, Muscle memory playing up again.

Alcohol and the Brain

So, what does alcohol do to the brain? When you are drinking alcohol, whether it be beer, wine or shorts, the outcome is nearly always the same. First you get happy, talkative, and becoming braver. Later in the night you start to feel tipsy. Eventually if you have quite a bit of alcohol, to have slurred speech, loose coordination and fall over. Some would say that’s a great night, but this can lead to problems down the road. I watched a documentary a long time ago about this doctor trying to understand what alcohol does to the human body. He went to a late-night bar and started drinking alcohol and as he was getting drunk, he was still talking to the filming camera crew about what he was experiencing. An idea popped into my head. What if alcohol again causes another chemical reaction, but this time it shuts down certain aspects of the brain – speech/, coordination etc. and reverted him back into being a child/baby like condition, but still maintaining some aspects of adult’s needs and wants i.e., sexual desires? Over time, drink can become a demon. Alcoholics are always in need of drink, due to the muscle memory been present in the brain. They associate drink with the process of reverting to childhood emotions where they were happier, than they are currently now. And this muscle memory/, emotions leads this person to be fixated on the drink and unable to give up. 

Religion/ Faith

This will probably be the most sensitive and controversial section in my paper because it’s one of the most hotly disputed topics there is and ever has been. So just to clarify, I was a Roman Catholic all my life up until several years ago, when I lost my faith completely and haven’t, or won’t, return to it.  It’s in my past and I’m glad I experienced it but looking back I have a lot more questions than answers. Firstly, according to Google search, there are estimated to be 4,200 active religions, churches, denominations, religious bodies, faith groups, tribes, cultures, movements, etc. in the world right now. Been an engineer the maths would suggest 1/4200 of you being in the correct religion/, faith group. I reckon I can get better odds of winning the lotto (Problem is I don’t gamble) than been in the right religion/, faith. This emotion really does scare me. Millions and millions and of men, women and children have died because of this emotion. If there are 4200 faiths now, think of the thousands of other religions that have come and gone in the past, over human evolution. Just thinking out loud and being raised in Ireland, I tend to know the European ones. What happened to the faith/, beliefs of the Celts, Vikings, Greeks, Egyptians, and Romans? Why did the Egyptians think that the pharaohs were Gods? They worked the land and build huge monuments and even died for these so-called Gods. Yet, when we look back at this period, our generation now looks with wonder but can’t believe that these pharaohs were Gods. Because faith was added to the spectrum of emotions within mankind due to the evolutionary processes and was a simple add on. Emotions are evolutionary. All these religions died out when their empires collapsed. In a thousand years into the future, future man looks back and see more of our modern-day religions on the stockpile of redundant religions/faiths. Your views will entirely be your own, but please don’t forget your conscious or unconscious emotions leads to biased decision-making process. Religion is simply another emotion in the infinite spectrum of emotions within the human mind. When I was in the church in Edinburgh, crying my eyes out as I thought God had spoken to me, this feeling/, emotion felt the exact same as all the rest of the emotions listed earlier. When you die and if you get buried in the ground or some other ritual, you simply become worm food – Nothing more happens to the body or soul. Faith is just another emotion. I’m sad to say that there is no God and no afterlife: “It’s simply all in your head”.

What is an Emotion?

Put simply an emotion is a chemical reaction, in an organic/biological body associated with a time event. Where Time is past, present or future or a combination of all three.

What is Awareness?

I was once asked this question of awareness. To be truthful, I never heard of this topic coming up in a conversation before, but as usual I thought about it and came up with an equation.  I’ve taken this copy below from Google search.

“The Oxford Living Dictionary defines consciousness as "The state of being aware of and responsive to one's surroundings.", "A person's awareness or perception of something." and "The fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world."

The following is my equation for awareness.

Awareness = Life + Time + IQ

Life =, without life, there is no consciousness in the first place

Time =, is measured in seconds/minutes/ days/years leading to infinity

IQ = , the variants of emotions within a given species. Scientists say that other species intelligence is decided by their use of tools to complete certain functions, but this is wrong. It’s the variety of emotions that give a species its level of intelligence. The more the emotional intelligence the clever the species.

The brain is a muscle.

Let’s recap all the items mentioned so far in my flight of ideas and creativity phases while in a high phase.

• Emotions are infinite.

• Emotions lead to decision making process.

• Emotions are evolutionary – with time new emotions are added or deleted as mankind progresses into the future.

• Water (H2O) is part of the fire triangle which is the basic of survival/functional for the human brain/, body.

• Salt lowers the energy requirements for the brain.

• Sugar is a rapid energy boost for the brain.

• Alcohol shuts down the brains functions and reverts to a child/baby like state.

• Faith/, Religion is just another emotion.

• An emotion is a chemical reaction, in an organic/biologic body associated with a time event.

This leads to my conclusion that the brain is a muscle and not an organ as is so often written and understood. If any of my conclusions are taken on board, it would have significant ramifications around the world, this could include solving:

Ø  Religious conflicts and wars around the world

Ø  Political uncertainty and polarisation

Ø  New medicals diagnosis and treatments

Ø  Help people with mental health conditions.

Ø  Drug and alcohol abuse

Ø  Medical/insurance costs

Ø  Racism and sectarianism

Ø  Life expectancy

Ø  Financial decisions like investing in the stock market and understanding bear/bull decisions.

Ø  Climate change

Ø  Anti-social behaviours and policing issues

Ø  New research

Ø  Healthy lifestyle choices

 The list continues….

Side Notes

These are bits of knowledge what I wish to pass on, but more work is required.

·       Smoking is addictive due to the chemical nicotine, and the brain muscle memory. It’s the temperature of the smoke from the cigarette entering the body, albeit the brain as well. If the brain can reduce the need to use up energy to keep the brain warm, then it will send chemical messages/emotions for the constant use cigarettes as the brain is programmed to conserve power at all opportunities.

·       The Star of David is on the Israeli national flag. If you look for the reasoning of this symbol being used and its historic evolution, there is no clear answer in any textbook as to why or where this emblem of Judaism has come from. During one of my high phases I thought of a possible reasoning for this symbol being the way it is. Perhaps the first triangle which is vertical represents the pyramids of Egypt, the time the pharaohs had Mosses and the Jewish people in slavery according to the Old Testament. The second triangle, which is shown upside down, could refer to what the Jewish people wanted to happen to the pharaohs and that was for them to die. The upside Triangle is pointing to the earth where, you are buried and dead. The Jewish people wanted their freedom, and this may have represented this cause. 

·       Head vs. Heart? Sorry, unfortunately there is no heart making decisions, it all comes from the head. The brain leads in all primary functions as always.

·       Is the future pre-determined? Are we just living out our lives as is exactly planned? That all our lives have a fixed journey and that we all have our own individual destinies? That even though, we make decisions (good or bad) every minute by ourselves and others, these choices have been taken into accounted as time leading into infinity is already fixed and we are not able to alter? I believe that the big bang continues through us, albeit by our chemical decision process in our brain. Yes, the future is a given and has already played out.

·       Can Artificial Intelligence (AI) think like a human? No, you cannot. As how can you program infinite emotions within this given human species. What code could you write?

·       Can unique emotions be passed on to the next generation through DNA? For example, a dad has just lost his job from his company that he has worked with for more than 20 years and is very stressed and highly anxious about his future. He goes home and conceives with his wife that very night. When this child is born, and develops through childhood and then adult hood, will this person have developed high emotions of stress and anxiety in everyday occurrences without a valid reasoning?

And finally, if you do suffer from a mental health issue, please, please seek medical advice. Do not leave to chance. Speak to a doctor/psychiatrist and get the treatment you need.